Should Men and Women Live Together and Have Sex Before Marriage?

I made a big mistake the other night before going to bed.  I pushed my Twitter app on my phone and began reading the tweets.  I came across a tweet from AndreaTantaros that read: "Tonight on @FNTheFive – Should men and women live together before marriage?  One study says yes.  One says no. What say you?  We’ll debate it."

After reading Andrea’s tweet, I was reminded of the fact that I am currently doing pre-marital counseling sessions with four different couples, and have recently counseled people struggling with the issue of divorce.  In fact, I had just finished a pre-marital counseling session a few hours before reading Tantaros’ tweet.

As the Senior Pastor of Every Nation Tallahassee church, I have seen firsthand the consequences of decisions made between two people in regards to relationships.  When couples do it right, they reap the blessings and benefits of a great marriage.  When couples do it wrong, they reap the pain and destruction of a broken marriage.  I have celebrated with joy as couples have made the right decisions in marriage, and I have wept with sorrow as couples have made the wrong decisions.

A buddy of mine asked me to marry him and his fiancé about three years ago.  He been previously been married twice, and at the time was cohabitating with his fiancé.  In love, I spoke the truth to him about how he was setting himself up for marriage failure once again.  I told him that I would not marry them unless they were willing to make the necessary changes in their relationship.  He agreed that they needed to change and put God first in their relationship, and said he was willing to repent and make the adjustments.  We ended lunch and planned to meet again after he talked with his fiancé about our conversation and the need to make the changes in their relationship.

During our next meeting, he informed me that his fiancé was not willing to make the changes.  I told him I would not marry them while they continued to live in sin, and I asked him what he planned to do about their relationship.  Unfortunately, he told me he planned to move forward with the marriage, and he would find somebody else to officiate their wedding ceremony.  He informed me that he understood my position and thanked me for my time.  I told him that I loved him and was deeply concerned about the future of their relationship.  I reminded him that his personal experience in marriage, and the statistics were against them staying married.  Practicing sex before marriage and cohabiting are not ways to establish a strong foundation of love, trust and respect in a marriage.

Recently, I bumped into my buddy, and I asked him how he was doing in his marriage.  He said, “You called it…we are no longer married because she left me about a year ago.” My heart broke for my friend as I told him I was sorry to hear that news.

In one of my recent pre-marital counseling sessions, I discovered that the couple was having sex before marriage.  In love, I challenged them to abstain from sex until marriage, and encouraged them to lay the proper foundations in a marriage that will be built to last.  I recently received a text from the husband that read: “We abstained till the wedding Pastor Ron. Good job applying the pressure.”  I responded back by texting: “I love you and I am proud of you both…more importantly God was obeyed and honored!”

So, when I read the tweet from Andrea Tantaros, I could not miss the opportunity to create my top ten list of why people should not live together or have sex before marriage.  I did not go to bed until 4:17am.  Beware of reading tweets before going to bed!

After 20 years of doing relationship, pre-marital and marriage counseling, these are my top 10 reasons men and women shouldn't live together or have sex before marriage:

1. It proves obedience to God's will and invites God's blessings into your marriage by honoring Him, your spouse, your parents, your families and your friends. (Deuteronomy 28:1-14)

2. It teaches you to serve one another, and builds a foundation of friendship, trust and respect in the relationship that promotes love and faithfulness while decreasing the potential of divorce. (Ephesians 5:21-33, Proverbs 5:7-23)

3. It begins to properly establish the roles and responses of a husband and wife, and fosters better communication that facilitates understanding and the development of conflict resolution skills that are vital components in a healthy marriage. (Ephesians 5:21-33)

4. It keeps marriage a special and holy covenant while giving you something to look forward to on your wedding day! (Hebrews 13:4)

5. It lays the foundations for an eternal bond while reinforcing and upholding the meaning and significance of the wedding vows, ceremony and the sanctity of marriage. For example: "You may now kiss the bride!" (Mark 10:1-12)

6. It produces freedom and demonstrates the patience of true love by making you sacrifice and practice the discipline of self-control as you learn to love through God's Spirit instead of the desires of the flesh. Love and self-control are the bookends of the fruit of God's Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:13-26) 

7. It keeps the motives of your heart pure by eliminating the deception of fornication and a man saying: "I love you" to get sex, and a woman engaging in sex for love. (1 Corinthians 6:8-20)

8. Sex is the act of consummation in a marriage covenant, and virginity is your greatest gift you can give only one time to another person. Your spouse on your wedding day is the only appropriate person and time to give away this most precious gift! There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: (Ecclesiastes 3:1, Matthew 1:18-25)

9. It is a powerful witness to people of God's love and purpose in bringing two people together, and the best way to mirror God's image in a world that has too many broken marriages. (Genesis 1:27-28, Malachi 2:10-16)

10. It is a neat story to tell your children and grandchildren one day, and a great way to leave a Godly legacy in your family! (Psalm78:1-10)

Too many broken marriages in America are proof that living together, and having sex before marriage, are not wise decisions for couples who desire a marriage without divorce.  America has tried this way of living and has discovered the pitfalls.  Why not try it God's way and see if it works?  I did, and I am happy to say that I will have been married for 17 years in December!

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)

What say you?

Big Things Happen in Small Groups!

What do a former IBM executive, a business icon, an American cultural anthropologist, and the Lord Jesus Christ all have in common?  You guessed it!  They all know that big things happen in small groups!

Former IBM executive and business mentor Steve Evans knows building relationships in small group meetings is a key to success in the marketplace.  Hey says, “It’s all about connection I tell people—it’s all about networking.  You’re not going to make this next step by sitting at home and looking at the Internet.  The only way you’re going to get engaged and sharpen up your resume is to start networking.  The worst thing you can do is sit at home in front of that computer.  You’ll never find anything.  People find careers, they find changes in jobs, they find opportunities by knowing people, by sitting down and having lunch with people.”

 

Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us that meeting together is an activity we should not neglect.  It says, “24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Reading John D. Rockefeller’s biography, Titan, I was struck by his daily luncheon habits. Each day, without fail, he’d sit down with his key people, have lunch, and talk.  At first, the meetings included only Rockefeller and the four co-founders of Standard Oil.  But as decades wore on and the company grew, the meetings came to include Rockefeller’s nine directors.  And yes, they continued to meet daily.

Consciously or not, Rockefeller understood that the word company meant “to share bread.”  He knew that by gathering his top lieutenants and advisors each day for a meal, their personal and professional relationships would be strengthened.  Fortified for another day, each could go out and do his share to conquer the oil industry or Wall Street or whatever the current target might have been.  Did it matter that the meetings occurred daily?  I’m confident Rockefeller would say an emphatic “Yes!”  (Verne Harnish, Mastering the Rockefeller Habits)

In Acts 2:42-47 we get a picture of what life was like for the early church.  Notice how frequently they met in the temple courts and in their homes.  42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  Acts 2:42-47

Jesus told His disciples to go and make disciples.  He expected them to do what they had seen Him do.  Paul told Timothy to take what he learned from Paul and teach to others who would teach others (2 Timothy 2:2).  Paul expected his disciple to make disciples.  No one had the option of just being a believer in Jesus.  All Christians should be disciples and all Christians should make disciples.  The best way to start making disciples is to follow the example of Jesus by selecting a small group of potential disciples.  Jesus’ small group of disciples would go on to turn the world upside down (Acts 17:6)!  Big things happen in small groups!

1 Corinthians 4:20 says, “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power.”

We share and show the love of Christ.  The gospel of Jesus Christ requires both proclamation and demonstration.  Both matter!  God’s people are called to live for Jesus’ kingdom mission.  The church is called to “make disciples” while also “teaching them to observe everything” Jesus commanded us (Matthew 28:19-20), leading all believers to lead kingdom-shaped lives.  This is done best in small group ministry.

How to expand the ministry by starting a small group:

1.     Include two or three others believers from your church who desire to make disciples by reaching the lost.

2.     Intercede for your lost friends, family and acquaintances.

3.     Invite friends, family and acquaintances to your church and small groups.

Ed Stetzer, President of Lifeway Research believes his small group is the most significant ministry activity he does for Christ during the week.  In his book Subversive Kingdom, he writes, “The way we (Lifeway Research) make our “biggest” difference is by thinking small, helping pockets and handfuls of Christian groups in churches all over the nation and world seek to live on a kingdom mission.  When I go home from work, I enjoy being part of one of those (small) groups in my own neighborhood.  Though I largely spend my day writing, doing research, or traveling to speak, I believe the closest thing I do for kingdom effort is what I do on Sunday night, leading a small group in my neighborhood, ministering and being in community with those who live around me, spending time with five or six families in close, intimate discussion about the things of God.” 

I’ll conclude with a quote from American cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead.  While studying humans and their works she observed firsthand the power of a small group of people meeting together for a common purpose.  She said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”

Big things happen in small groups!  Are you in a small group?

Gun Control or Self-Control?

Contemplate the pseudo-psychological solution

To remedy the emptiness of my condition

When what I need is simply power from on high

To take this earth bound heart and give me wings so I can fly 

(Sterling Brown, The Power of Love)

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”  Acts 1:8

If we confiscated all the guns on planet earth, would that make our world a safer place?  If we confiscated all the guns on planet earth, would that keep innocent people from dying?  The obvious answer to both of these questions is no. 

I was reminded of this fact the other day while my three sons watched one of their favorite television shows.  The Deadliest Warrior is a history show that tries to determine who is the mightiest warrior of all time.  One of the ways they try to ascertain this is by judging the effectiveness of the weaponry used by each warrior during their time of prowess.  The weapons featured on the show such as throwing stars, the katana, swords, arrows, axes, bombs, etc. are all reminders that human beings have no problem creating weapons to kill people.

In fact, box cutters and airplanes were used by terrorists to bring mass destruction and death on that horrific day when the world watched the attacks on the Twin Towers in New York.  Today, we can’t even carry a bottle of water onto our flight because it might contain some material that could be used to crash the plane.  I never would have thought that a bottle of water could be so threatening.

While writing this blog the horrific “breaking news” of the bombings during the Boston Marathon flashed across my television screen.  It was another unfortunate example that human beings do not lack the creativity for hurting, maiming and even killing innocent people.  Oh, by the way, the Boston Marathon terrorists did not use a gun!

An honest assessment of gun use in our country tells a much different story than many of our pundits and politicians.

According to the “Loaded Questions” article in the February 23, 2013 edition of World Magazine, the FBI reports about 13,000 homicides annually in the United States.  About two-thirds involve firearms.  In 2012 mass shootings took less than 100 lives—less than 1 percent of all homicide victims.  Nearly eight times as many Americans died from physical beatings.

The most controversial gun laws President Barack Obama has proposed since the mass shootings in Sandy Hook likely wouldn’t stop much of the urban violence in places like Chicago and Atlanta: Many shooters use handguns—not the kind of assault weapons the president has proposed banning.  (And though some proposals for expanded background checks make sense, most urban shooters don’t buy guns legally.

Indeed, some wonder whether the measures would stop massacres like Sandy Hook and others: In Newtown, Lanza used weapons his mother bought legally in a state with strict gun control laws.  The Virginia Tech shooter, who killed 32 victims in 2007, passed a background check despite serious mental health issues.  And the Columbine High School massacre happened during the federal assault weapons ban spanning 1994 to 2004.

When it comes to the proposal to ban high-capacity ammunition magazines, Robert Levy of the libertarian Cato Institute believes a ban on magazines with 20 rounds or more makes sense, and possibly could stop a mass shooter from inflicting mass causalities.  (The president and some legislators advocate a ban on magazines with 10 rounds or more.)  Either way, Levy notes a significant problem: Homemade magazines are easy to build.

Levy successfully argued the Supreme Court case in 2008 that overturned a ban on most handguns in Washington D.C.  During the 32-year ban, gun violence and homicides in the district soared, as criminals maintained their arsenals, and many law-abiding citizens went unarmed.  The court’s 2008 decision underscored citizen’s Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms.

Jeffrey Shapiro, a former prosecutor in D.C., notes since the court struck down the gun ban, murders in D.C. dropped from 186 in 2008 to 88 in 2012—the lowest number of homicides since the district enacted the gun ban in 1976. (Loaded Questions by Jamie Dean, World Magazine, February 23, 2013)

So, if guns are not the ultimate threat to our safety, and if gun control is no guarantee to prevent the murdering of innocent people, how do we address the issue of violence?

First, we have to deal with the real problem.  What’s wrong with the world? What is the problem?  Sin!  The real threat to our safety is the human heart!  (Genesis 6:5, 8:21) 

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about his new job.  He works for an agency that tries to help foster children.  He was lamenting over his frustration about how the agency can never get anything done to help the children.  The employees are more concerned about their job title and the feeling of power they think their title gives them.  The power of their position is more important than the people they are hired to help.  In addition to the struggle for power and control, the kids are never taught how to deal with their issues because it is politically incorrect to really identify the problem.  In other words, they won’t call sin…sin!

When a person repents of their sins, and puts their faith in Jesus Christ to receive Him as Lord and Savior, two of the great benefits he/she receives are the gift of the Holy Spirit and a new heart.  The Holy Spirit identifies a person as a child of God, leads that person in truth, and helps that person bear the fruit of God’s Spirit.  Galatians 5:22-23 lists how the fruit of the Spirit manifests in a disciple of Jesus.  We should pay careful attention to the first and last fruit of the Spirit—the bookends, if you will, of God’s Spirit!

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.  (Galatians 5:22-23)  A disciple of Jesus must be motivated by love, and must maintain self-control in order to possess joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and gentleness.

In Proverbs 25:28, we are reminded that protection and safety are linked to self-control.

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.  Proverbs 25:28

Walls are built to keep a city safe and protected from those who would dare to do it harm.  When the walls of a city are broken down, evil-minded people have easier access to commit their heinous crimes.  Like the broken walls of a city that invite terror, a person with no self-control is more likely to get hurt, and hurt or even murder innocent people.

Here are a few of my other favorite Scriptures on self-control:

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.  (Proverbs 16:23)  A person with self-control possesses an internal fortitude that is more powerful than a mighty warrior who can overtake a city.

Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,  (1 Timothy 3:2) A key attribute for leaders who oversee people should be self-control.

If we want to solve the problems and crimes we face in America in the 21^st century, we must start by accurately identifying the problem.  The problem with America today is a refusal to call sin for what it is…sin!  Once we identify the problem, then and only then, can we begin to offer a solution.  The only solution for sin in the human heart is the Holy Spirit!

Country music singer Kenny Chesney, in his hit song "You and Tequila", sings: "It's always your favorite sins that do you in."  He is absolutely right!  That is why Romans 6:12 says, "Do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires."

Government policies, such as gun control, will never solve the dilemma of our condition.  We cannot legislate morality.  The less self-government or self-control the citizens of a nation possess, the more external government they need to try to maintain order.  These legislative attempts, without the Holy Spirit, are always in vain!

I’ll conclude with a very insightful and wise statement form our second President, John Adams, who understood the only people possible of maintaining order and decency in a nation are moral and religious citizens.  He said, "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other."

Do we need more government policies such as the ones that promote gun control, or do we need more power from the Holy Spirit that provides self-control?  You know which one I choose!

How about you?

Where was God and Where are you?

22 Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: “Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. 23 For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown god. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you.

24 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

29 “Therefore since we are God’s offspring, we should not think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone—an image made by man’s design and skill. 30 In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent. 31 For he has set a day when he will judge the world with justice by the man he has appointed. He has given proof of this to all men by raising him (Jesus) from the dead.”  Acts 17:22-31

As we conclude our first month of 2013, I want to encourage you with this thought: God is not far from us!

Amid the "most wonderful season of all" in 2012 came the tragic news of a deranged young man entering an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, killing 27, including 20 children.  Tragically, Christmas for these families was one of grief and despair. 

Tragic events like this one cause people to ask many questions about God.  It is interesting to me that traumatic events either lead people to question God or call on Him.  Even President Obama, who spent countless hours campaigning for re-election without referencing the Bible, quoted from Scripture as he addressed the nation after the school shooting.  He even mentioned Jesus’ name when he said, ““Let the little children come to me,” Jesus said, “and do not hinder them—for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Where was God?  Why does God allow this to happen?

In his new book, God's Not Dead, Dr. Rice Broocks writes: "Atheists claim that the universe isn't what you would expect if a supernatural God existed.  All this death and suffering, they say, are plain evidence that a loving, intelligent God could not be behind it all.  The truth is that God has created a world where free moral agents are able to have real choices to do good or evil.  God made a world where choices are real and humanity is affected by the choices of other humans.  Drunk drivers kill innocent people.  Some murder and steal from their fellow men.  Though God gave clear commandments to humanity, we have for the most part ignored these directives.  The mess that results is not God's fault.  It's ours."

Why do tragedies like this happen?  Why do we respond with shock and awe?  Psychiatrist Keith Ablow said, "This kind of shock registers with people—because it seems like the unthinkable keeps moving into the sphere of our reality."

Franklin Graham wrote in a recent article:

The "unthinkable" first surfaced in mankind thousands of years ago when Cain killed his brother Abel out of mere jealousy and rivalry. God had warned Cain, "Sin is crouching at your door," but Cain ignored God's word and committed murder. God punished Cain for taking innocent life but the violent shedding of blood has continued for centuries. Why?

The Bible answers this question with certainty, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). In fact, the Bible gives clear testimony to just how evil the human race became. "The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the Lord "was grieved in His heart" (Gen. 6:5-6).

Tragedies happen because people have wicked sinful hearts.  That is why we need a Lord and Savior to rule in our hearts.  Once again, Franklin Graham explains our need for a Savior well.  He writes:

Society craves violence as long as it comes in the form of entertainment. Our outlook changes when we become its victims. This is precisely why God did not stand by unconcerned. His love for mankind is so overwhelmingly powerful that His wrath against evil is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and the unrighteousness of men (Romans 1:18). The Bible says that people suppress the truth through unrighteous behavior that begins in the mind.

During this time, we should turn our minds and hearts from wickedness and remember what God has done for the world He loves. He sent His only Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, to point us to the way of truth. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). His innocent blood was shed to cover our sinful hearts, and to those who will seek Him, He offers His abiding peace. He is the peace that surpasses all understanding.

The same God who gave the world His greatest gift, will also comfort the hearts of the grieving—in Newtown, Conn., or anywhere else—for He understands grief. He became a curse for us so that His promise would be fulfilled through faith in Him (Galatians 3:13). This is the shocking awe, that God would send so great a message in the form of a child.

Where was God?  Religions, creeds, and philosophies teach us in vain how to get close to God or become like God.  Christianity is not a religion, creed or philosophy.  It is about a relationship with God.  Christianity teaches that Jesus came to earth from heaven to be close to us.  When we repent of our sins, and put our faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.  This means that God, by the presence of His Holy Spirit, actually lives in all who have called upon the name of Jesus for salvation.  That is pretty close wouldn’t you say? 

Why wouldn’t we want to teach children how to have God live in them?  Why do we want to remove God from our schools and then wonder why God isn’t present?  Remember, it is Jesus who instructs us how to treat others like we want to be treated, how to love and pray for our enemies, how to control our anger because it can lead to murder, and many more teachings that have changed the world for the better (Matthew 5-7).

It is true that heinous acts are committed when God is not close.  No external laws are ever going to change the nature of the human heart.  Only Jesus can do that!  The sinful nature will always find a way to do evil.  Creating more laws is like putting a Band-Aid on a person and thinking it will cure them of cancer.

It seems that the more we remove God from school, the more we invite guns to take His place.  Robert Winthrop, Speaker of the U. S. House, knew how important it was to have God rule in the hearts of people.  He said, "Men, in a word, must necessarily be controlled either by a power within them or by a power without them; either by the Word of God or by the strong arm of man; either by the Bible or by the bayonet."

We can continue to argue over gun control, but in doing so we miss the bigger issue of heart control.  The most important issue is who is ruling and reigning in our hearts.  I appreciate former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee’s courage to boldly speak out on this issue.  He said:

Well, you know it’s an interesting thing. We ask why there’s violence in our schools but we’ve systematically removed God from our schools. Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage because we’ve made it a place where we don’t want to talk about eternity, life, what responsibility means, accountability. That we’re not just going to have to be accountable to the police if they catch us, but one day stand before a holy God in judgment. If we don’t believe that, then we don’t fear that. And so when people say, ‘Why did God let it happen?’ you know, God wasn’t armed. He didn’t go to the school. But God will be there in the form of a lot of people with hugs and with therapy and a whole lot of ways which I think he will be involved in the aftermath. Maybe we ought to let him in on the front end and we wouldn’t have to call him to show up when it’s all said and done at the back end.

I have one final thought about God being close to us.  Adam and Eve were created in the image and likeness of God and enjoyed a close relationship with Him.  When they disobeyed God’s command and sinned by eating the forbidden fruit, they hid from the Lord and covered their nakedness with sewed fig leaves.  God didn’t forsake them, but called out to them, “Where are you?”  (Genesis 3:6-9)

We reject God, hide from Him, and even remove Him from our schools, yet He still calls out to us in His love, grace and mercy.  He has always been right there…real close!  We shouldn’t be asking, “Where was God?”  To me the real question is: “Where are you?” 

God isn’t lost, He isn’t hiding, and He is not far from any one of us.  He’s just waiting for us to seek Him, call out to Him, find Him, and realize that in Him we live and move and have our being!

Where are you?