Should Men and Women Live Together and Have Sex Before Marriage?

I made a big mistake the other night before going to bed.  I pushed my Twitter app on my phone and began reading the tweets.  I came across a tweet from AndreaTantaros that read: "Tonight on @FNTheFive – Should men and women live together before marriage?  One study says yes.  One says no. What say you?  We’ll debate it."

After reading Andrea’s tweet, I was reminded of the fact that I am currently doing pre-marital counseling sessions with four different couples, and have recently counseled people struggling with the issue of divorce.  In fact, I had just finished a pre-marital counseling session a few hours before reading Tantaros’ tweet.

As the Senior Pastor of Every Nation Tallahassee church, I have seen firsthand the consequences of decisions made between two people in regards to relationships.  When couples do it right, they reap the blessings and benefits of a great marriage.  When couples do it wrong, they reap the pain and destruction of a broken marriage.  I have celebrated with joy as couples have made the right decisions in marriage, and I have wept with sorrow as couples have made the wrong decisions.

A buddy of mine asked me to marry him and his fiancé about three years ago.  He been previously been married twice, and at the time was cohabitating with his fiancé.  In love, I spoke the truth to him about how he was setting himself up for marriage failure once again.  I told him that I would not marry them unless they were willing to make the necessary changes in their relationship.  He agreed that they needed to change and put God first in their relationship, and said he was willing to repent and make the adjustments.  We ended lunch and planned to meet again after he talked with his fiancé about our conversation and the need to make the changes in their relationship.

During our next meeting, he informed me that his fiancé was not willing to make the changes.  I told him I would not marry them while they continued to live in sin, and I asked him what he planned to do about their relationship.  Unfortunately, he told me he planned to move forward with the marriage, and he would find somebody else to officiate their wedding ceremony.  He informed me that he understood my position and thanked me for my time.  I told him that I loved him and was deeply concerned about the future of their relationship.  I reminded him that his personal experience in marriage, and the statistics were against them staying married.  Practicing sex before marriage and cohabiting are not ways to establish a strong foundation of love, trust and respect in a marriage.

Recently, I bumped into my buddy, and I asked him how he was doing in his marriage.  He said, “You called it…we are no longer married because she left me about a year ago.” My heart broke for my friend as I told him I was sorry to hear that news.

In one of my recent pre-marital counseling sessions, I discovered that the couple was having sex before marriage.  In love, I challenged them to abstain from sex until marriage, and encouraged them to lay the proper foundations in a marriage that will be built to last.  I recently received a text from the husband that read: “We abstained till the wedding Pastor Ron. Good job applying the pressure.”  I responded back by texting: “I love you and I am proud of you both…more importantly God was obeyed and honored!”

So, when I read the tweet from Andrea Tantaros, I could not miss the opportunity to create my top ten list of why people should not live together or have sex before marriage.  I did not go to bed until 4:17am.  Beware of reading tweets before going to bed!

After 20 years of doing relationship, pre-marital and marriage counseling, these are my top 10 reasons men and women shouldn't live together or have sex before marriage:

1. It proves obedience to God's will and invites God's blessings into your marriage by honoring Him, your spouse, your parents, your families and your friends. (Deuteronomy 28:1-14)

2. It teaches you to serve one another, and builds a foundation of friendship, trust and respect in the relationship that promotes love and faithfulness while decreasing the potential of divorce. (Ephesians 5:21-33, Proverbs 5:7-23)

3. It begins to properly establish the roles and responses of a husband and wife, and fosters better communication that facilitates understanding and the development of conflict resolution skills that are vital components in a healthy marriage. (Ephesians 5:21-33)

4. It keeps marriage a special and holy covenant while giving you something to look forward to on your wedding day! (Hebrews 13:4)

5. It lays the foundations for an eternal bond while reinforcing and upholding the meaning and significance of the wedding vows, ceremony and the sanctity of marriage. For example: "You may now kiss the bride!" (Mark 10:1-12)

6. It produces freedom and demonstrates the patience of true love by making you sacrifice and practice the discipline of self-control as you learn to love through God's Spirit instead of the desires of the flesh. Love and self-control are the bookends of the fruit of God's Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:13-26) 

7. It keeps the motives of your heart pure by eliminating the deception of fornication and a man saying: "I love you" to get sex, and a woman engaging in sex for love. (1 Corinthians 6:8-20)

8. Sex is the act of consummation in a marriage covenant, and virginity is your greatest gift you can give only one time to another person. Your spouse on your wedding day is the only appropriate person and time to give away this most precious gift! There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: (Ecclesiastes 3:1, Matthew 1:18-25)

9. It is a powerful witness to people of God's love and purpose in bringing two people together, and the best way to mirror God's image in a world that has too many broken marriages. (Genesis 1:27-28, Malachi 2:10-16)

10. It is a neat story to tell your children and grandchildren one day, and a great way to leave a Godly legacy in your family! (Psalm78:1-10)

Too many broken marriages in America are proof that living together, and having sex before marriage, are not wise decisions for couples who desire a marriage without divorce.  America has tried this way of living and has discovered the pitfalls.  Why not try it God's way and see if it works?  I did, and I am happy to say that I will have been married for 17 years in December!

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)

What say you?