Should Men and Women Live Together and Have Sex Before Marriage?

I made a big mistake the other night before going to bed.  I pushed my Twitter app on my phone and began reading the tweets.  I came across a tweet from AndreaTantaros that read: "Tonight on @FNTheFive – Should men and women live together before marriage?  One study says yes.  One says no. What say you?  We’ll debate it."

After reading Andrea’s tweet, I was reminded of the fact that I am currently doing pre-marital counseling sessions with four different couples, and have recently counseled people struggling with the issue of divorce.  In fact, I had just finished a pre-marital counseling session a few hours before reading Tantaros’ tweet.

As the Senior Pastor of Every Nation Tallahassee church, I have seen firsthand the consequences of decisions made between two people in regards to relationships.  When couples do it right, they reap the blessings and benefits of a great marriage.  When couples do it wrong, they reap the pain and destruction of a broken marriage.  I have celebrated with joy as couples have made the right decisions in marriage, and I have wept with sorrow as couples have made the wrong decisions.

A buddy of mine asked me to marry him and his fiancé about three years ago.  He been previously been married twice, and at the time was cohabitating with his fiancé.  In love, I spoke the truth to him about how he was setting himself up for marriage failure once again.  I told him that I would not marry them unless they were willing to make the necessary changes in their relationship.  He agreed that they needed to change and put God first in their relationship, and said he was willing to repent and make the adjustments.  We ended lunch and planned to meet again after he talked with his fiancé about our conversation and the need to make the changes in their relationship.

During our next meeting, he informed me that his fiancé was not willing to make the changes.  I told him I would not marry them while they continued to live in sin, and I asked him what he planned to do about their relationship.  Unfortunately, he told me he planned to move forward with the marriage, and he would find somebody else to officiate their wedding ceremony.  He informed me that he understood my position and thanked me for my time.  I told him that I loved him and was deeply concerned about the future of their relationship.  I reminded him that his personal experience in marriage, and the statistics were against them staying married.  Practicing sex before marriage and cohabiting are not ways to establish a strong foundation of love, trust and respect in a marriage.

Recently, I bumped into my buddy, and I asked him how he was doing in his marriage.  He said, “You called it…we are no longer married because she left me about a year ago.” My heart broke for my friend as I told him I was sorry to hear that news.

In one of my recent pre-marital counseling sessions, I discovered that the couple was having sex before marriage.  In love, I challenged them to abstain from sex until marriage, and encouraged them to lay the proper foundations in a marriage that will be built to last.  I recently received a text from the husband that read: “We abstained till the wedding Pastor Ron. Good job applying the pressure.”  I responded back by texting: “I love you and I am proud of you both…more importantly God was obeyed and honored!”

So, when I read the tweet from Andrea Tantaros, I could not miss the opportunity to create my top ten list of why people should not live together or have sex before marriage.  I did not go to bed until 4:17am.  Beware of reading tweets before going to bed!

After 20 years of doing relationship, pre-marital and marriage counseling, these are my top 10 reasons men and women shouldn't live together or have sex before marriage:

1. It proves obedience to God's will and invites God's blessings into your marriage by honoring Him, your spouse, your parents, your families and your friends. (Deuteronomy 28:1-14)

2. It teaches you to serve one another, and builds a foundation of friendship, trust and respect in the relationship that promotes love and faithfulness while decreasing the potential of divorce. (Ephesians 5:21-33, Proverbs 5:7-23)

3. It begins to properly establish the roles and responses of a husband and wife, and fosters better communication that facilitates understanding and the development of conflict resolution skills that are vital components in a healthy marriage. (Ephesians 5:21-33)

4. It keeps marriage a special and holy covenant while giving you something to look forward to on your wedding day! (Hebrews 13:4)

5. It lays the foundations for an eternal bond while reinforcing and upholding the meaning and significance of the wedding vows, ceremony and the sanctity of marriage. For example: "You may now kiss the bride!" (Mark 10:1-12)

6. It produces freedom and demonstrates the patience of true love by making you sacrifice and practice the discipline of self-control as you learn to love through God's Spirit instead of the desires of the flesh. Love and self-control are the bookends of the fruit of God's Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:13-26) 

7. It keeps the motives of your heart pure by eliminating the deception of fornication and a man saying: "I love you" to get sex, and a woman engaging in sex for love. (1 Corinthians 6:8-20)

8. Sex is the act of consummation in a marriage covenant, and virginity is your greatest gift you can give only one time to another person. Your spouse on your wedding day is the only appropriate person and time to give away this most precious gift! There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: (Ecclesiastes 3:1, Matthew 1:18-25)

9. It is a powerful witness to people of God's love and purpose in bringing two people together, and the best way to mirror God's image in a world that has too many broken marriages. (Genesis 1:27-28, Malachi 2:10-16)

10. It is a neat story to tell your children and grandchildren one day, and a great way to leave a Godly legacy in your family! (Psalm78:1-10)

Too many broken marriages in America are proof that living together, and having sex before marriage, are not wise decisions for couples who desire a marriage without divorce.  America has tried this way of living and has discovered the pitfalls.  Why not try it God's way and see if it works?  I did, and I am happy to say that I will have been married for 17 years in December!

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)

What say you?

Big Things Happen in Small Groups!

What do a former IBM executive, a business icon, an American cultural anthropologist, and the Lord Jesus Christ all have in common?  You guessed it!  They all know that big things happen in small groups!

Former IBM executive and business mentor Steve Evans knows building relationships in small group meetings is a key to success in the marketplace.  Hey says, “It’s all about connection I tell people—it’s all about networking.  You’re not going to make this next step by sitting at home and looking at the Internet.  The only way you’re going to get engaged and sharpen up your resume is to start networking.  The worst thing you can do is sit at home in front of that computer.  You’ll never find anything.  People find careers, they find changes in jobs, they find opportunities by knowing people, by sitting down and having lunch with people.”

 

Hebrews 10:24-25 reminds us that meeting together is an activity we should not neglect.  It says, “24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Reading John D. Rockefeller’s biography, Titan, I was struck by his daily luncheon habits. Each day, without fail, he’d sit down with his key people, have lunch, and talk.  At first, the meetings included only Rockefeller and the four co-founders of Standard Oil.  But as decades wore on and the company grew, the meetings came to include Rockefeller’s nine directors.  And yes, they continued to meet daily.

Consciously or not, Rockefeller understood that the word company meant “to share bread.”  He knew that by gathering his top lieutenants and advisors each day for a meal, their personal and professional relationships would be strengthened.  Fortified for another day, each could go out and do his share to conquer the oil industry or Wall Street or whatever the current target might have been.  Did it matter that the meetings occurred daily?  I’m confident Rockefeller would say an emphatic “Yes!”  (Verne Harnish, Mastering the Rockefeller Habits)

In Acts 2:42-47 we get a picture of what life was like for the early church.  Notice how frequently they met in the temple courts and in their homes.  42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.  Acts 2:42-47

Jesus told His disciples to go and make disciples.  He expected them to do what they had seen Him do.  Paul told Timothy to take what he learned from Paul and teach to others who would teach others (2 Timothy 2:2).  Paul expected his disciple to make disciples.  No one had the option of just being a believer in Jesus.  All Christians should be disciples and all Christians should make disciples.  The best way to start making disciples is to follow the example of Jesus by selecting a small group of potential disciples.  Jesus’ small group of disciples would go on to turn the world upside down (Acts 17:6)!  Big things happen in small groups!

1 Corinthians 4:20 says, “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power.”

We share and show the love of Christ.  The gospel of Jesus Christ requires both proclamation and demonstration.  Both matter!  God’s people are called to live for Jesus’ kingdom mission.  The church is called to “make disciples” while also “teaching them to observe everything” Jesus commanded us (Matthew 28:19-20), leading all believers to lead kingdom-shaped lives.  This is done best in small group ministry.

How to expand the ministry by starting a small group:

1.     Include two or three others believers from your church who desire to make disciples by reaching the lost.

2.     Intercede for your lost friends, family and acquaintances.

3.     Invite friends, family and acquaintances to your church and small groups.

Ed Stetzer, President of Lifeway Research believes his small group is the most significant ministry activity he does for Christ during the week.  In his book Subversive Kingdom, he writes, “The way we (Lifeway Research) make our “biggest” difference is by thinking small, helping pockets and handfuls of Christian groups in churches all over the nation and world seek to live on a kingdom mission.  When I go home from work, I enjoy being part of one of those (small) groups in my own neighborhood.  Though I largely spend my day writing, doing research, or traveling to speak, I believe the closest thing I do for kingdom effort is what I do on Sunday night, leading a small group in my neighborhood, ministering and being in community with those who live around me, spending time with five or six families in close, intimate discussion about the things of God.” 

I’ll conclude with a quote from American cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead.  While studying humans and their works she observed firsthand the power of a small group of people meeting together for a common purpose.  She said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.”

Big things happen in small groups!  Are you in a small group?