Family Matters: Misconceptions of Submission

21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:21-24

Just as we respond to Christ’s love for us, a wife who wants to obey God will respond to her husband if he is leading properly. Built in her by God is a desire to give herself to a strong, decisive man who is laying down his life for her. Unfortunately, much of the emphasis on a wife’s submission has neglected the husband’s responsibility to love and lead his wife. God can require our submission to his will because he is love and righteous. This means his motives and his actions are always right. Husbands are to model their leadership after Christ. Their motive should be love and their actions should manifest in service to their wives.

Today, there are many misconceptions as to what submitting to your husband means. It does not mean being a doormat for a physically or verbally abusive man who is using his wife for himself. If the situation at home becomes unbearable, or there is a reason to fear for safety of family members, the wife should say to her husband, “I love you and want to be your wife, but not under these conditions. When you have gotten some help and can lead well in our family, I will return.”

Leaving is often the only thing that will get the attention of the abusive husband, and properly done is far more biblical and effective than verbally badgering him. Obviously, the details of how this will work vary in every situation. Still, the principle is that a woman does not have to remain in an untenable situation because of some ill-conceived notion of “submission.” The husband should be held accountable to fulfill the vows he made to God and his wife. When he no longer fulfills his vows to lead, love and serve his wife, he forfeits her responsibility to submit and follow.